martes, 24 de julio de 2007

Cacharpas: el matón a sueldo

No cabe duda que los grandes hombres donde quiera brillan. Producto de las envidias motivadas entre los resentidos mediocres por las inigualables acciones de nuestro cacharpil personaje, éste fue enviado a tierras lejanas a laborar, concretamente al lejano pero horroroso caserío de la Heroína, municipio de Hastaláchi, Chih. Una vez ahí, lo primero que el Cacharpas hizo fue dormir y conseguir donde comer. Acto seguido comenzó su labor de agitación en contra del cacique del pueblo. Curiosamente, esta tarea la inició en la cantina-billar del lugar ¡Atinada decisión, teniendo en cuenta las costumbres de los lugareños!
Pronto el citado cacique columbró las benignas intenciones de nuestro héroe, y ni tardo ni perezoso contrató a uno de los matones del pueblo para que hiciera al maestro Cacharpas bailar las cansadas, como quien dice, que causara baja. El badulaque se aprestó a cumplir con la encomienda pero, como cuando era chiquito le enseñaron a respetar a los viejitos, no emboscó a su víctima como era su costumbre en esos casos, sino que se dirigó directamente a la choza-residencia cacharpera y tocó repetidas veces a la puerta. En esos momentos el insigne mentor se hallaba sumido en profundas meditaciones provocadas por sus frecuentes visitas -de agitación, recuérdese- a la cantina-billar. Por ese motivo tardó varios minutos en abrir. Cuando al cabo lo hizo, el temible matasiete le gritó a voz en cuello:
-¡Maestro, prepárese porque lo voy a tronar, así es la vida, así es que rece lo que se sepa!
Nuestro heróico personaje por un momento sospechó que lo estaban albureando, pero pronto entendió el sentido preciso de las palabras de su interlocutor cuando éste lanzó una imponente escuadra calibre cuarenta y tantos en la mesa que adornaba el centro del chalet cacharpero. De la granada del arma saltaron dos cartuchos útiles en los que, haciendo gala de mirada de halcón, el insigne y renombrado mentor alcanzó a leer las letras "A" y "M": ¡Las sagradas iniciales cacharpiles!
Haciendo gala de su aplomo, y dominando la temblorina de las piernas, el inigualable Cacharpas tomó el revólver en la diestra y, ofreciéndoselo a su ofensor, respondió con las siguientes finas palabras:
-¡Toma, jijo de XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, a ver si tienes los XXXXXXX suficientes para matar a un XXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXXX y XXXXXXXXX como yo, XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!
Ante esto, el rubor cubrió las mejillas del temido matarife, quien antes de retirarse rápidamente con el rabo entre las patas atinó a decir:
-¡Disculpe, maestro, con valientes como usté no se puede!
La elocuente arenga fue suficiente para que el Cacharpas se ganara el respeto de todos los matones de la comarca. Cuando por fin pudo retomar el control de sus piernas y esfínteres, nuestro virtuoso personaje se encaminó nuevamente a la cantina-billar a continuar su loable labor de despertar masas ¡vaya aplomo y arrojo!

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